Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Only Date Women Who Treat You With Respect
When you meet a woman, and you like the way she looks on the outside, you should always ask yourself one simple question: "Does she treat me with respect, or not?" YOU should of course also treat women with respect, because if you don't, you are not really entitled to ask this question. If you want to be treated with respect by women, the first step should obviously be to treat women with respect.
The reason I talk about respect here, is that even if you refuse to socialize with women who do not treat you with respect, you will improve the quality of your relations with women tremendously. Here are some examples of things to pay attention to; of behavior of women, that shows a lack of respect:
1. You go out to have coffee, and she just assumes that you will pay the bill, without asking you or bringing up the subject.
2. You hardly know a woman and she talks endlessly about her problems, and expects you to listen patiently.
3. She makes negative statements about men in your presence, like, "All men are selfish.", or "Men only want sex."
4. You have an appointment with her, and she shows up very late, and she does not apologize nor explain why she is late.
5. You are out on a date, and she talks continuously with girlfriends on her mobile phone, instead of talking to you.
6. She does not thank you when you drive her somewhere, hold something for her, or carry things for her. This is a sign that she thinks she has the right to treat you like her driver and butler.
7. She flirts with every man in sight, but criticizes you when you even look at other women.
8. Instead of using your real name, she makes up funny names for you, and uses these names to amuse herself.
9. She ridicules you in front of her friends, and laughs about your mistakes together with her friends.
10. She talks behind your back about you in a negative way, informing all her friends about things she hates about you.
By themselves these things may not mean much to you, but especially when she shows several of these behaviors, you are with a woman who thinks she can treat you with very little to no respect. If you allow her to treat you without respect, she will in no time walk all over you, and put her wishes first, instead of talking with you about how the two of you want to have your relationship. So when a woman starts to treat you without respect, you have to respond quickly, and there are only two constructive ways to react:
1. You tell her calmly that you do not accept to be treated this way, and that if she wants to be with you, she will have to change this.
2. You tell her that you don't want a woman who treats you without respect, and you walk away, and don't look back.
This may sound harsh, but when you allow yourself to be treated without respect, it will soon go from bad to worse. Because when you do not draw a line, when you do not give an indication about how you expect to be treated, some women will first test you and then walk all over you. You can compare it with having a little wound on your hand. If you disinfect it quickly, it will heal soon, and you won't have any problems with it. If you don't disinfect it and pretend it is not there, you may soon have a big festering wound that will threaten your health.
Mostly, when a woman treats you without respect, she does so to test you. When you calmly correct her, you will gain her respect, and she will start to treat you with respect. Some women just plain refuse to treat men with respect, in which case you should walk away at once. The thing to remember is this: women can only treat you without respect with your permission. Once you notice that a woman treats you without respect and you do not react to it, you give her the unspoken permission to treat you without respect.
If you want to improve the quality of your relationships with women, you should stop giving women permission to treat you without respect.
The reason I talk about respect here, is that even if you refuse to socialize with women who do not treat you with respect, you will improve the quality of your relations with women tremendously. Here are some examples of things to pay attention to; of behavior of women, that shows a lack of respect:
1. You go out to have coffee, and she just assumes that you will pay the bill, without asking you or bringing up the subject.
2. You hardly know a woman and she talks endlessly about her problems, and expects you to listen patiently.
3. She makes negative statements about men in your presence, like, "All men are selfish.", or "Men only want sex."
4. You have an appointment with her, and she shows up very late, and she does not apologize nor explain why she is late.
5. You are out on a date, and she talks continuously with girlfriends on her mobile phone, instead of talking to you.
6. She does not thank you when you drive her somewhere, hold something for her, or carry things for her. This is a sign that she thinks she has the right to treat you like her driver and butler.
7. She flirts with every man in sight, but criticizes you when you even look at other women.
8. Instead of using your real name, she makes up funny names for you, and uses these names to amuse herself.
9. She ridicules you in front of her friends, and laughs about your mistakes together with her friends.
10. She talks behind your back about you in a negative way, informing all her friends about things she hates about you.
By themselves these things may not mean much to you, but especially when she shows several of these behaviors, you are with a woman who thinks she can treat you with very little to no respect. If you allow her to treat you without respect, she will in no time walk all over you, and put her wishes first, instead of talking with you about how the two of you want to have your relationship. So when a woman starts to treat you without respect, you have to respond quickly, and there are only two constructive ways to react:
1. You tell her calmly that you do not accept to be treated this way, and that if she wants to be with you, she will have to change this.
2. You tell her that you don't want a woman who treats you without respect, and you walk away, and don't look back.
This may sound harsh, but when you allow yourself to be treated without respect, it will soon go from bad to worse. Because when you do not draw a line, when you do not give an indication about how you expect to be treated, some women will first test you and then walk all over you. You can compare it with having a little wound on your hand. If you disinfect it quickly, it will heal soon, and you won't have any problems with it. If you don't disinfect it and pretend it is not there, you may soon have a big festering wound that will threaten your health.
Mostly, when a woman treats you without respect, she does so to test you. When you calmly correct her, you will gain her respect, and she will start to treat you with respect. Some women just plain refuse to treat men with respect, in which case you should walk away at once. The thing to remember is this: women can only treat you without respect with your permission. Once you notice that a woman treats you without respect and you do not react to it, you give her the unspoken permission to treat you without respect.
If you want to improve the quality of your relationships with women, you should stop giving women permission to treat you without respect.
How Not to Beat Yourself Up
I want to open by complementing you on your sense of responsibility. I know that I'm talking to the right person, because anyone who is concerned enough about midlife issues to be reading about it has to have a well-developed sense of responsibility and concern for their own (and their loved ones') sense of well-being. So, congratulations for taking good care of yourself and those you love.
That having been said . . . let me throw out a word of caution to you: it's very important - especially during the midlife transition - to avoid the extremes of responsibility. This isn't an idle warning, either, because going to extremes is one of the hallmarks of the dreaded midlife crisis. Now's the time you need to be steering a careful course between Scylla and Charybdis, between the rock and the hard place.
As often happens, both extremes, hyper-responsibility or hyper-irresponsibility, may be opposite sides of the same coin. When you're tempted to let yourself go wild, or especially when you've yield to that temptation, a guilty conscious can drive you to become overly responsible, blaming yourself for the wreckage that you see building up around you. This is a good time for some seriously grounded self-talk.
First, a story. Once upon a time, I had to break some very difficult news to my parents. My brother had asked me not to tell them, but circumstances changed, and it was not only appropriate, it was necessary. So, I told them. As a result, my brother was furious with me, blaming me for hurting them irreparably. Then, it dawned on me: I was responsible for being the bearer of difficult news: that happens. They were responsible for what they did with that news. My responsibility ended with doing the right thing (in this case, the only right thing). I was not responsible for their feelings or their reactions. This was a huge step for me: and a very positive one.
As a person going through midlife (or about to go through midlife), you have a serious responsibility to yourself to maintain your integrity. You have an obligation not only to make the best choices possible, but also to do all the research necessary to make sure that the choices you make are indeed the best choices possible. Denial and self-delusion are common and very powerful pitfalls along the path of growth through midlife.
You are also responsible for making your own mistakes. You can be clear about this: you will make mistakes and some of them may be big ones. Keep in mind that people often learn the most from the mistakes that they make. When you make a mistake (not 'if' you do), you have a triple responsibility: a) to acknowledge your mistake right away (don't try to deny it or cover it up); b) to learn what caused you to make the mistake so that you'll never have to repeat it again; and c) to clean up your mess. You absolutely shouldn't expect anyone else to come along behind you to right your wrongs. That's up to you. What's not your responsibility is other people's reaction to you. In fact, what other people think of you (and how they react to you) is none of your business.
So long as you remain solidly in your integrity, acting with honesty, care and compassion, you have no business getting involved in other adults' business. Did it occur to you that almost everyone in your peer group is also going through a midlife transition? Not everyone will be doing as exceptional a job as you are managing their lives through this difficult period. When you notice some unusual behavior from those in your intimate circle, it may not be because of you; they might be dealing with their own issues. The lesson here is to learn to detach from these people with love. That doesn't mean withdrawing from them (not a good plan if you happen to be married to one of them), it means changing your mind.
When people whom you're close to react inappropriately to you, you have only to remind yourself of three things: 1) you didn't cause it (nobody but you can control the way you feel or the way you behave), 2) you can't control it (the only person in the world whose behavior you can control is you), and 3) you can't cure it (you can neither make another person happy nor fix their unhappiness). These are known as 'The 3 C's'. If you can master holding on to an awareness of these 3 C's, you can learn to do everything spelled out in Rudyard Kipling's famous poem, 'If':
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
"If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: . . .
You'll have to go look the rest up yourself (it's worth it). In the end, you are responsible: you're responsible for becoming the very best 'you' that you can be. Beyond that, it's nobody's business but their own.
That having been said . . . let me throw out a word of caution to you: it's very important - especially during the midlife transition - to avoid the extremes of responsibility. This isn't an idle warning, either, because going to extremes is one of the hallmarks of the dreaded midlife crisis. Now's the time you need to be steering a careful course between Scylla and Charybdis, between the rock and the hard place.
As often happens, both extremes, hyper-responsibility or hyper-irresponsibility, may be opposite sides of the same coin. When you're tempted to let yourself go wild, or especially when you've yield to that temptation, a guilty conscious can drive you to become overly responsible, blaming yourself for the wreckage that you see building up around you. This is a good time for some seriously grounded self-talk.
First, a story. Once upon a time, I had to break some very difficult news to my parents. My brother had asked me not to tell them, but circumstances changed, and it was not only appropriate, it was necessary. So, I told them. As a result, my brother was furious with me, blaming me for hurting them irreparably. Then, it dawned on me: I was responsible for being the bearer of difficult news: that happens. They were responsible for what they did with that news. My responsibility ended with doing the right thing (in this case, the only right thing). I was not responsible for their feelings or their reactions. This was a huge step for me: and a very positive one.
As a person going through midlife (or about to go through midlife), you have a serious responsibility to yourself to maintain your integrity. You have an obligation not only to make the best choices possible, but also to do all the research necessary to make sure that the choices you make are indeed the best choices possible. Denial and self-delusion are common and very powerful pitfalls along the path of growth through midlife.
You are also responsible for making your own mistakes. You can be clear about this: you will make mistakes and some of them may be big ones. Keep in mind that people often learn the most from the mistakes that they make. When you make a mistake (not 'if' you do), you have a triple responsibility: a) to acknowledge your mistake right away (don't try to deny it or cover it up); b) to learn what caused you to make the mistake so that you'll never have to repeat it again; and c) to clean up your mess. You absolutely shouldn't expect anyone else to come along behind you to right your wrongs. That's up to you. What's not your responsibility is other people's reaction to you. In fact, what other people think of you (and how they react to you) is none of your business.
So long as you remain solidly in your integrity, acting with honesty, care and compassion, you have no business getting involved in other adults' business. Did it occur to you that almost everyone in your peer group is also going through a midlife transition? Not everyone will be doing as exceptional a job as you are managing their lives through this difficult period. When you notice some unusual behavior from those in your intimate circle, it may not be because of you; they might be dealing with their own issues. The lesson here is to learn to detach from these people with love. That doesn't mean withdrawing from them (not a good plan if you happen to be married to one of them), it means changing your mind.
When people whom you're close to react inappropriately to you, you have only to remind yourself of three things: 1) you didn't cause it (nobody but you can control the way you feel or the way you behave), 2) you can't control it (the only person in the world whose behavior you can control is you), and 3) you can't cure it (you can neither make another person happy nor fix their unhappiness). These are known as 'The 3 C's'. If you can master holding on to an awareness of these 3 C's, you can learn to do everything spelled out in Rudyard Kipling's famous poem, 'If':
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
"If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: . . .
You'll have to go look the rest up yourself (it's worth it). In the end, you are responsible: you're responsible for becoming the very best 'you' that you can be. Beyond that, it's nobody's business but their own.
Pitfalls in Building Relationships, Commitment and Love - Starting With S
We continue this series suggesting how to avoid many pitfalls in building interpersonal relationships, whether with family, coworkers, friends, or that special someone. Committed, loving relationships do not just happen. You may know that there is no success secret, no checklist of things to do, and just as important things not to do to make such relationships happen. But we do have many suggestions that focus on potential problems. We actually have a double series of articles for the letter S. The focus here is on sanctimonious, sarcastic, and shallow.
S is for sanctimonious. Tim or not, the onus is on you not to be sanctimonious. Don't be so full of yourself that others simply wait for a break in the conversation so they can heave. You may eventually be given the old heave-ho. Yes, we know that you think you're great but don't go around pretending that you are an object of adoration, an object of veneration. Nobody's going to start a cult around you. So lighten up and be one of the gang. You are allowed to think that you are somewhat better than the others. But don't be surprised that they think the same thing; namely that they are somewhat better than you. Doesn't that sound sanctimonious?
S is for sarcastic. There is a big problem with sarcasm. People may not understand your hidden irony and take you at face value. They may thank you for your "You did a great job," ignoring the sneer on your lips. And what if their response was: "Well, I had a fine teacher in you."? Is that a sneer that I detect on their lips? If you are going to criticize, and sometimes you should, do it in a clear, unemotional manner. And let people know that you are criticizing their actions, and not them. Let them also know that you are confident that they will improve. And be ready for a sarcastic comeback.
S is for shallow. You don't have to be as deep as the Atlantic Ocean or a graduate-level Philosophy of Science course. But don't be as shallow as a puddle after a few minutes drizzle. If a friend just came back from his or her first trip to Europe you should manage to ask a more incisive question than how many days were you there or how was the hotel. If I know someone who has just lost an aunt instead of asking "How old was she," I prefer asking "Were you close?" To my way of thinking this may provide for a more interesting discussion. And it avoids the terribly shallow sentiment, "Ninety-three" That's old enough.
Are you tired of all this negativity? Take a look at our companion series that accentuates the positive.
S is for sanctimonious. Tim or not, the onus is on you not to be sanctimonious. Don't be so full of yourself that others simply wait for a break in the conversation so they can heave. You may eventually be given the old heave-ho. Yes, we know that you think you're great but don't go around pretending that you are an object of adoration, an object of veneration. Nobody's going to start a cult around you. So lighten up and be one of the gang. You are allowed to think that you are somewhat better than the others. But don't be surprised that they think the same thing; namely that they are somewhat better than you. Doesn't that sound sanctimonious?
S is for sarcastic. There is a big problem with sarcasm. People may not understand your hidden irony and take you at face value. They may thank you for your "You did a great job," ignoring the sneer on your lips. And what if their response was: "Well, I had a fine teacher in you."? Is that a sneer that I detect on their lips? If you are going to criticize, and sometimes you should, do it in a clear, unemotional manner. And let people know that you are criticizing their actions, and not them. Let them also know that you are confident that they will improve. And be ready for a sarcastic comeback.
S is for shallow. You don't have to be as deep as the Atlantic Ocean or a graduate-level Philosophy of Science course. But don't be as shallow as a puddle after a few minutes drizzle. If a friend just came back from his or her first trip to Europe you should manage to ask a more incisive question than how many days were you there or how was the hotel. If I know someone who has just lost an aunt instead of asking "How old was she," I prefer asking "Were you close?" To my way of thinking this may provide for a more interesting discussion. And it avoids the terribly shallow sentiment, "Ninety-three" That's old enough.
Are you tired of all this negativity? Take a look at our companion series that accentuates the positive.
What Makes a Relationship Be Successful?
From the beginning you need to know if you are in a good relationship or should ask for help. So, to know this just answer some questions:
1. Are you happy? 2. In this relationship you feel you are yourself? 3. Do you think your partner treats you right?
I have meet couples that, at a first glance, seemed Ok but when you get to know them you realize that it is quite the contrary.
Let's see these questions:
1. Are you happy?
In order to be happy you need to have by your side a person to love you unconditionally and try to help you be a better person. To be happy you need to be free to make your own decisions, without being afraid that he/she does not agree.
You also need to have respect, sincerity and communication.
2. In this relationship you feel you are yourself?
Your partner needs to understand the differences between you and accept them. You should be free to express yourself even if he/she does not approve of it. Do not forget you have a relationship, you are equal and none of you should be bossy.
3. Do you think your partner treats you right?
In a relationship both partners are equal and neither of them must be a dictator. Your partner should be your lover and friend, be always there for you (even if you don't do things right) but also to stop you from doing something wrong, without being bossy.
If your relationship has the elements above, then you are lucky and your couple is a successful one.
1. Are you happy? 2. In this relationship you feel you are yourself? 3. Do you think your partner treats you right?
I have meet couples that, at a first glance, seemed Ok but when you get to know them you realize that it is quite the contrary.
Let's see these questions:
1. Are you happy?
In order to be happy you need to have by your side a person to love you unconditionally and try to help you be a better person. To be happy you need to be free to make your own decisions, without being afraid that he/she does not agree.
You also need to have respect, sincerity and communication.
2. In this relationship you feel you are yourself?
Your partner needs to understand the differences between you and accept them. You should be free to express yourself even if he/she does not approve of it. Do not forget you have a relationship, you are equal and none of you should be bossy.
3. Do you think your partner treats you right?
In a relationship both partners are equal and neither of them must be a dictator. Your partner should be your lover and friend, be always there for you (even if you don't do things right) but also to stop you from doing something wrong, without being bossy.
If your relationship has the elements above, then you are lucky and your couple is a successful one.
How to Become the Man Who Naturally Attracts Women - Earth Shattering Secret You Must Know
Have you ever been around guys who are just natural with women? Everything they say and do always seems to click right when it comes to the matter of attracting women? You see these naturals do certain vital things which is average guy doesn't even know due to which they are so successful with women. If you learn and master these important skills you will become extremely effective with women too. Read on to discover how you can become the man who naturally attracts women too...
They are never concerned about what the girl is thinking- This is one thing every natural out there does on a regular basis. You see a girl might like them or reject them they are more or less not concerned with the outcome at all. They more or less don't care about what the girl has to say about them. You must try and cultivate such an attitude if you really want to be great around women.
They are always in control of their emotions- This is the most important aspect of being a natural around women. You should always be in control of your emotions at all possible times. You see the reason why a lot of guys out there always end up getting rejected is that they tend to get highly nervous and they more or less are not in control of their emotions due to which they always freak out when they come across a good looking woman.
They always expect the best possible outcome- Their inner self talk is always positive and they are always expecting the best possible outcome no matter how bad the situation might seem at that very moment. You see it's extremely important to have this sort of an attitude as it will skyrocket your level of success with women.
What you don't know yet- Ever tried to wonder what's in a woman's mind? What is she thinking about? Do you know that women do not always mean what they say? They might say something and mean the exact opposite. But what do women actually want? Do you know there are some secrets women don't want men to know but you absolutely must know these secrets in order to succeed with women? Read on to discover 9 most "Shocking Secrets" women don't want men to know
They are never concerned about what the girl is thinking- This is one thing every natural out there does on a regular basis. You see a girl might like them or reject them they are more or less not concerned with the outcome at all. They more or less don't care about what the girl has to say about them. You must try and cultivate such an attitude if you really want to be great around women.
They are always in control of their emotions- This is the most important aspect of being a natural around women. You should always be in control of your emotions at all possible times. You see the reason why a lot of guys out there always end up getting rejected is that they tend to get highly nervous and they more or less are not in control of their emotions due to which they always freak out when they come across a good looking woman.
They always expect the best possible outcome- Their inner self talk is always positive and they are always expecting the best possible outcome no matter how bad the situation might seem at that very moment. You see it's extremely important to have this sort of an attitude as it will skyrocket your level of success with women.
What you don't know yet- Ever tried to wonder what's in a woman's mind? What is she thinking about? Do you know that women do not always mean what they say? They might say something and mean the exact opposite. But what do women actually want? Do you know there are some secrets women don't want men to know but you absolutely must know these secrets in order to succeed with women? Read on to discover 9 most "Shocking Secrets" women don't want men to know
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